Saturday, October 13, 2007

I couldn't remember the login for the blog I created a couple weeks ago, so I tried logging in with my GMail account. And I found this.

At first I wasn't quite sure what it was. As I read over it, it sounded vaguely familiar . . . and then I realized why. Welcome to my first blog, from way back in the beginning of my freshman year of high school. Everything prior to this post is about four years old, and it's strange to see my writing. How it was, how it is now . . . all right, so, there's a lack of major change. So it goes, chilluns.

Well, I could take you on an introspective journey as I examine how I once was, how I've changed, as I check out the new me and the different writing style, but the truth is that it would be kinda pointless and kinda depressing. Reading this, it doesn't seem my writing's changed or improved much in four years--four ever-loving years!--which is probably my own fault, as I've written little enough in that time. It's shameful, isn't it, that I who call myself a writer and tell everyone I shall be a writer, have been avoiding actual work, practice, improvement. It's a sin against myself not to explore something I always enjoyed doing. I can claim I've been working on gathering experience before I start putting anything out there, but you and me both know that's shit.


A lot of people have been posting about love and relationships lately, and I keep hitting on the idea that my feelings on the matter are rather different. I don't see the same progression everyone does; of course, I usually date people I've already known for some time.

In my case, I'm usually very good friends with someone before I go a step further than that. There's a pretty major reason for that: I have to trust someone a lot before I really get involved with them. And I'm pretty all-or-nothing: once I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm totally open to them. I feel like I'm giving them the power to hurt me, because despite the prickly and apathetic demeanor, it's pretty easy to tear me apart. I'm not gonna say at this point that I love a person, not romantically, but I'm letting them be part of me.

Then again, there's dating-but-not-a-relationship. I've never been as good with this. As I've seen this, it's a substitute for being friends for some time beforehand. If you're friends, you've got time to build a level of trust. If it's someone you've just met, you gotta spend some time around them before you get a good idea of how you feel about them.

Issue with dating, it's a false image. You're trying to present your very very best side, all the good and smart and special that would be especially loveable. You're covering the warts, which are sometimes what makes a person more interesting. More worthwhile. I have trouble trusting someone if I'm on a date with them, because I know they're trying to present their best side, and so am I. You know people that talk about someone changing right after they slept together, or married, or whatever? That's the switch from the simulacra to the reality of the person.

I've enjoyed being with people without loving or trusting them. I don't intend to do this more, because it's ultimately empty.

You see, there's a point when you cross into intimacy. That's, I would say, when the words "relationship" and "love" become accurate. Sometimes it's a conversation, when you talk about the true and important things in your life. When you're open and honest, and presenting that which you care about and fear. It is the point when you realize a person as a person, and they seem the same of you, and you can trust them.

I have been intimate with people long before dating them or being in a relationship with them. These are my closest friends, my other halfs, who I've held to me for some time. I think you four know who you are. These are people I'd date without a second thought (except that all four are women), because I trust them to look out for me, because I know I'd look out for them, and because I know I can rely on them, always. I suppose blood brother (or sister) might be the traditional term.

You see, I am all or nothing. When you have me, when I have that trust and intimacy, you have me entirely. Without that, I'm there for the fun and to take care of you best as I can when you need it, but that's it. Keep in mind that I apply this only to romantic relationships; my friendships have considerably different rules. It is the difference between open and shut; when I am open to you, I am utterly open, and when I am closed you will see nothing but the surface.

So I say the word "love" doesn't apply in romance until there's trust and openness. You can fake it, but that's pretty far into the wrong. There's . . . well, there's it to me.

By the way, that jump to intimacy takes a lot. Like a proper artistic endeavor, it's the baring of one's soul. And I don't think I've felt anything more painful than when you try to share those serious and personal parts of yourself, and it's ignored or treated lightly. There are some things, I think, that we all hold dear and will not see mocked or tossed aside. If anything is to compose what we call our soul, it's what we hold precious.

I can't think of a proper ending because I don't know how to put all this. There are places this entry is disconnected because there are major points that are part of what is serious and important to me. I'm not ready to bare my soul to anyone who might read this, so it's not entirely coherent.

Oh well. Fuck all, let it be.

1 comment:

Mikey said...

It's interesting to me that I have a group of friends similar to your "blood sisters" to me there's a classification beyond best-friend which I usually refer to as a "bro." Good stuff.