Monday, May 04, 2009

I was asked recently to explain why Spider-Man and Mary Jane are no longer married. Here follows my summary:

 First imagine that I am a total douchenozzle
 an idiot fanboy
 and, coincidentally, editor-in-chief at Marvel comics.
My name is Joe Quesada.

(and . .. scene)

 "My God! Spider-Man is selling poorly! How could that be?
 "Is it the increasingly shitty editorial decisions I have made over the past few years?
 "Maybe people are getting tired of all the fucking retconning.
 "Maybe it's that I had him reveal his identity, then unreveal it, then rereveal it, then become Iron Man's bitch . . . 
 "No, that's not right. I can do no wrong.
 "I know! The majority of comics readers are children and unmarried older men. They simply cannot relate to a married character.
 "We need to separate Peter Parker from Mary Jane.
 "But divorce, that is bad, and death, that is depressing.
 "I have an idea . . . "

(now we are within the comic)

Aunt May: Peter, I have teh cancers.

 Peter Parker: Oh noes!

Mary Jane: Oh noes!

Peter Parker: MJ, can't you sell her some medicinal marijuana?

 MJ: Peter, that would be wrong, despite my name.

 Mephistopheles (like, totally the devil): I can help . . .

 PP: I see no way this can go wrong!

Mephy: I will cure your Aunt . .. but in return, your marriage will be wiped out of history, as though it never happened . . .

 PP: Cool, cool, I dig being a bachelor . . . I mean, holy shit, that would suck!

 Mephy: And also, you two will always feel a deep, inexplicable pain, because some part of you will remember what you lost.

 MJ: Wait, what possible advantage can you be getting from this?

Mephy: Shhhh. If you point out shitty writing and plot holes, the deal is off.

MJ: We must do this to save Aunt May.

 (they do)

 PP: [is a bachelor living in his aunt's basement]
 MJ: [is a famous actress]
AM: [does not have the cancer]
 Sales of Spider-Man: [continue to fall]

 Joe Quesada: What the fuck?

 [and scene]
Because deals with the devil: much better than divorce