Thursday, January 31, 2008

You know what I think?

I think that most people don't actually care too much about anyone else. I think when someone's down or depressed, we'd rather go through the motions and tell them to get better than to actually try and help. Because, you see, it inconveniences us to have to deal with other people's emotions.

I've been told I need to be more emotionally open. I've been told that my prickly exterior can be off-putting. Would y'all like to see the depths of my crazy and my issues?

(I'll imagine you saying yes)

(then if you actually did, you can scroll down. If not, don't worry about it.)

I feel like I'm drowning sometimes lately. Not that I'm struggling up for air, but that I'm just quietly sinking under. I can't summon the energy to be anybody or do anything anymore. Most of the time I don't want to leave my room. I just want to stay here and avoid . . . everything. I want to pretend that this space is the whole world, and just fall apart within it. I can't write or read--at least, I barely can. I like the television. Doesn't require much effort. I try to write but it all feels dead and so I get disgusted with what I'm doing and I forget it and leave it be. When I read I don't understand what's happening 'cause it's like there's nothing behind the words anymore and I don't know why. And I'm so scared sometimes lately just to go outside and be with people or to do anything. I make every excuse to avoid it. I can't rest either, though. I just . . . I'm too tightly wound to relax at all. I try to relax and everything siezes up and my muscles tighten up and I breathe faster and I don't understand what the hell is going on.

I vomit up words on this blog. They're just that. Vomit. I write things that I think might be good, but I'm afraid to let them out anymore. I can't show them to people and I don't know why. I'm scared of so much now. I want to be a writer--I have to, or I'll feel I've failed in life. I only feel real when I'm doing something creative, and if I stop that, then I'll just feel dead always. I'm too scared, though, to even do anything with anything I write now. I don't have the confidence to do it. I don't have the confidence to throw myself out there on my own, to let me rely on myself. I'm scared.

I used to be so confident, so sure of myself. I mean, I didn't seem it on the outside, but I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Now it's reversed--I appear confident, but I'm not. All that's left of me these days is fear. I don't feel smart or capable or such anymore. I feel so slow sometimes. I don't understand it.

I've this recurring nightmare I've had since my youth. General theme, something familiar, something I trust, it turns into something terrible that's going to destroy me. A paranoia dream, I know. It does rather set the trend for my social interactions, though.

You know, I've assumed for a very long time that anyone who's friends with me, who spends time with me--I assume that's done out of pity, that it's because they feel sorry for me. How fucked up is that?

Sometimes I date people I know I really shouldn't because I feel like--me being rather worthless in my own eyes--it's the best I can do. I have issues with being complimented at all. It makes me so very uncomfortable, and I don't know why.

I really don't know how to deal with my emotions. I keep them bottled down, and I feel like they're tearing me apart, and I still don't really know how to let things out. Even this is barely anything.

Terrible, terrible things happen and I don't feel hardly anything and I don't understand why. I feel so inhuman sometimes.

I've never been in a real relationship, you know (Maggie, I love you dearly, but it doesn't quite count). I don't know what it's like, and so I can't even imagine it anymore. Today, I was doing my laundry, following a train of thought, and I realized that I had come to terms with the idea of being essentially alone forever. It felt like a stone in my stomach.

And now I've let out a bit of all I've got stored up. And I don't think any of it can be solved. I feel so hopeless. I can't seem to strike the balance: either I am very emotionless, and I am told that I should show some emotion sometime; or I do show that emotion, and I'm - I dunno, shunned? Scolded?--for it. I think perhaps I'm supposed to be emotional enough to be accessable, but not so much that it seems like I have actual problems.

I feel like all I'm made of is doubt and fear and worry, and there's nothing else left.