First imagine that I am a total douchenozzle
an idiot fanboy
and, coincidentally, editor-in-chief at Marvel comics.
My name is Joe Quesada.
(and . .. scene)
"My God! Spider-Man is selling poorly! How could that be?
"Is it the increasingly shitty editorial decisions I have made over the past few years?
"Maybe people are getting tired of all the fucking retconning.
"Maybe it's that I had him reveal his identity, then unreveal it, then rereveal it, then become Iron Man's bitch . . .
"No, that's not right. I can do no wrong.
"I know! The majority of comics readers are children and unmarried older men. They simply cannot relate to a married character.
"We need to separate Peter Parker from Mary Jane.
"But divorce, that is bad, and death, that is depressing.
"I have an idea . . . "
(now we are within the comic)
Aunt May: Peter, I have teh cancers.
Peter Parker: Oh noes!
Mary Jane: Oh noes!
Peter Parker: MJ, can't you sell her some medicinal marijuana?
MJ: Peter, that would be wrong, despite my name.
Mephistopheles (like, totally the devil): I can help . . .
PP: I see no way this can go wrong!
Mephy: I will cure your Aunt . .. but in return, your marriage will be wiped out of history, as though it never happened . . .
PP: Cool, cool, I dig being a bachelor . . . I mean, holy shit, that would suck!
Mephy: And also, you two will always feel a deep, inexplicable pain, because some part of you will remember what you lost.
MJ: Wait, what possible advantage can you be getting from this?
Mephy: Shhhh. If you point out shitty writing and plot holes, the deal is off.
MJ: We must do this to save Aunt May.
(they do)
PP: [is a bachelor living in his aunt's basement]
MJ: [is a famous actress]
AM: [does not have the cancer]
Sales of Spider-Man: [continue to fall]
Joe Quesada: What the fuck?
[and scene]
Tada!
Because deals with the devil: much better than divorce
